the latest from Cosmo girls
<--see that girl on the right? Or, the girl obviously not me or Maura? We met Kristen and her traveling Canadian friend Ryan when they were our roommates in a hostel in Frankfurt. She emailed me these pics at the beginning of the summer (of our sumptuous grocery store dinner) and today I got this in an email from her:
Apples and Wine
Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right man to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Share this with women who are good apples, even those who have already been picked! Now Men.... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.
Wow. So, while the last part was kind of funny, the entire email appealed to the diva-bitch in me that occasionally reads Cosmo at work. Yes, I really do, on occasion. But mostly when I feel like torturing with myself with some formulaic sex romp in the fiction section, you know: Juliet is engaged to Miles, a high-powered mortage broker. He's never there for her, even more so now that the wedding is approaching, and lately the sexy artist in her building has been catching her eye...what will she do when her future mother-in-law commissions Oliver to paint of picture of Juliet for the mantel of her future home?
Steamy sex on the floor of his studio with tons of messy paint, that's what! It makes me outraged that I actually read that, but then again, my usual magazine-fare could also be labeled trash rag. Could be. But I think celebrity obsession is better than demonizing the opposite sex, and "un-locking their secrets" via intense psychological analyzation.
I'm not sure who wrote "Apples and Wine" or if it was one of those chain emails where I'm supposed to forward it to 7 good apples I know, or else feminism will rot in hell.
Again, sorry feminists. This apple business is all bullshit. And was the weather ever considered way up at the top of this apple tree? Thunderstorms will knock the fuck out of this tree, and then the whole theory is gone...um, bananas? B-A-N-A-N-A-S?
posted by SES @ 5:49 PM
2 Comments:
you're right. Women are like bananas. When they're young they're green, firm, hard to peel, odorless and flavorless. When they're old they're soft, smushy, spotty, smelly and taste a bit fermented. and they bruise easily. and it's hard to find a man who will stick his dick in ANY banana unless he is drunk. or unless the banana is wearing some sexy lingerie.
There's nothing sexier than a ripened eggplant. Mmmm.
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