today I'm wearing polka dot rain boots
...and Rog said to me, "You expecting floods this afternoon?" My reasoning was I'm working the sidewalk sale today, and when I woke up, there were rain puddles everywhere. I didn't check the weather, and I thought I might have to be outside today, wading through puddles to guard the cheap-o merchandise we're selling.And I'm wearing my pink Blondie shirt, the one I wore on Girlfrieeennds Day with Lainey. I kind of look ridiculous, but that's pretty much how I'm feeling today, and have been feeling lately.
I just started reading this book called "Smashed: Story of a Drunken Girlhood" and I've been thinking about drinking lately, which is almost the only thing I feel okay doing lately. I have no interest in smoking weed, not only just on doctor's orders, but bc I realize how damaged it left me after smoking pothead-amounts for so long. Same deal with "white drugs"--though never with the frequency as weed, it still interests me but I'll never do certain drugs again (ecstasy for example, I'm pretty certain contributed to my first round of "breakdown" when I left Portland in October 2001).
But then after reading parts of "Smashed", I started to feel guilty about drinking too. And then I wonder, am I just destined to be a straight-edge/PLUR girl who is "high on life & nuthin else" ? But then I think of how much I love to drink, but I worry about my quantitative approach. Like, in the shot picture of me and Steph taking Cuervo, my jaw is open and the shot is tipped back, ready to swill tequila down my throat. Yikes. Steph takes hers more cautiously, and rightly so, since she'd probably had too many shots already but the orders kept coming.
So...I guess I feel lonely lately, just bc I don't know how I'm "supposed" to be, other than as I already am. I've been getting a lot of "constructive criticism" regarding how I am when I'm drunk, and I appreciate that friends are looking out for me and whatnot, but I can't exactly be chill, laid-back Sarah anymore. Simply bc I was that way for a reason. I'm frustrated and bummed that I feel like I have to adjust my energy levels in accordance with others.
But I'm doing okay, I've been keeping busy, and thinking I may move to Portland in the fall to sublease an apt for a few months, so I can be in Portland and get some writing done.
Okay, I've been on the computer long enough and things are crazy during this DG sidewalk sale...I have to race home and walk Fatty on my 30 min break. Not sure if I can make it and not get pulled over. I'm going to try anyway; the Jeep is a bit more broken in than the Honda and I can lane-change like a lunatic, necessary for getting to LGP in seven to nine minutes!
posted by SES @ 12:32 PM
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